This is not a column about snow.
How could I write about snow in September? That would patently absurd. Autumn officially began last weekend. We鈥檝e only just left summer behind. We still many months ahead full of crisp weather, crunchy leaves, and delicious apple cider. Autumn is my favourite time of year and I can鈥檛 wait to walk outisde with nothing heavier than a sensible sweater and jeans.
This is not a column about snow.
Why would I write about snow? There鈥檚 no reason for it to snow in September. Even isolated islands like Newfoundland don鈥檛 have snow yet. They were dealing with winter weather until May this year and even they don鈥檛 have to look at snow-covered ground yet. There鈥檚 no reason for snow to be in our minds, let alone on our lawns.
This is not a column about snow.
What kind of lunatic would contemplate snow at this time of year? What kind of province would have to deal with frosted windshields, slushy streets, and bracing winds in September? That would be ridiculous. Any place that would have to deal with winter at the start of autumn would be beyond bizarre. Thank God we don鈥檛 live in such a place.
This is not a column about snow.
Just as a hypothetical game (and I know how CRAZY this sounds), imagine a province in the middle of September聽 getting snow. Just imagine such an outlandish proposition. What kind of province would dive head-long into winter when summer is still in the rearview mirror? How would that even make sense? I can鈥檛 wrap my mind around it. My brain screams and rejects such a notion on principle. It鈥檚 unacceptable. It鈥檚 preposterous.
This is not a column about snow.
I apologize, but I can鈥檛 stop thinking about that absurd hypothetical scenario. Just imagine waking up to frost on your windshield while the rest of Canada is enjoying autumn colours, light-jackets, and endless pumpkin spice lattes. If someone were confronted with such a scenario, they might burst into tears, tear at their hair, and hopelessly scream at an uncaring sky. Thankfully, I don鈥檛 know what that feels like.
This is not a column about snow.
Spotting snow in September is a crushing sensation. When you see the white powder tumble to the ground, you realize the long march through countless dark, cold nights has begun. You realize your shorts and t-shirts will start gathering mothballs. You realize you only enjoyed four completely snow-free months this year. You realize, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Mother Nature is about to bury you and no amount of whining, complaining, or column-writing can stop her.Thank GOD I don鈥檛 know that feeling. That other guy from the hypothetical situation knows that feeling. Not me, though. No, sir, no way.
This. Is not. A column. About. Snow.
But even if I鈥檓 not the hypothetical man, I know my time is coming. Snow is waiting, hanging above us all like the sword of Damocles, ready to strike. Winter will have its wicked way with us sooner or later. Perhaps it鈥檚 best to rip the band-aid off now and just accept the inevitable.
This was absolutely a column about snow.
